Let Go of the Past

Sometimes, just sometimes, a ghost from the past sets us free for the future.

Thunder cracked like a whip, launching Jim three inches above his seat. His heart pounded as electrifying blue spiderwebs scattered across the skyline, lighting up Jim’s IT office. With all the electricity flowing through the clouds, it conjured up the image of an electric chair. The whole point for working late tonight was to keep his mind elsewhere, but the torrential downpour pelting the window wouldn’t let him think of anything else.

Briefly, he glanced at his watch, eleven forty-five. He sighed. Fifteen minutes and it would be over. Sure, he should be there as a witness, he owed his mother that much, but the process drug out for years. And watching a hundred thousand volts flow through his father’s body, well, that’s an image no son would ever want to witness, no matter what happened. Grinding his teeth, Jim glanced at the storm laden clouds.

Dad deserves to fry.

A deep breath filled Jim’s lungs as he refocused on work. His fingers pounced on the keyboard. From behind, a slow clicking started. He paused and glanced over his shoulder to see nothing. With a relieved exhale, he found it a little amusing that there wasn’t anything there, convinced his imagination got the best of him, and so he returned to work.

Fluorescent lights flickered with the storm. The relentless image of the pulsating electric chair haunted him. That thought simply wouldn’t go away. Decades passed with too many court appearances to count. But tonight, it ended, he would have closure even though it couldn’t bring her back.

As he sat there, that day replayed. A once bright and loving home tainted by cheap vodka darkened his parents. Their alcohol fueled cat and dog fights got out of hand that day. Since Jim wanted to go with his friends to the museum, he had brought the permission slip home. Which kicked off their argument and shattered his life. When the dust settled, his mother lay dead, slain by his father’s hand. Still, he blamed himself. Had he not been selfish about spending time with his friends he would have his parents.

Jim stared at the monitor and pushed the memories from his mind. But the clicking persisted and grew louder. His eyes darted around the room, searching for the annoying sound. Nothing out of the ordinary, except the sound that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once, hinting at supernatural strangeness.

Those eerie sounds dredged up water cooler talk about this office. There were rumors of employees going full postal and gunning each other down back in the eighties. Maybe it was the strange building that inspired crazy talk. Or maybe there were kernels of truth in the stories. Either way, he hated staying after hours, especially tonight. Jim leered around the room.

Keep it together, stay on task.

With work back on his mind, Jim’s fingers danced across the keyboards until he saw something unexpected. His hands hovered over the keys as he read the logs. His nose wrinkled, and he resisted the urge to wretch. “People actually look at this smut and at work. How disgusting.” He shook off those terrible thoughts.

Returning to the project, the sounds amplified. And the crackling morphed from electrical to rhythmic. It sounded like words, but distorted. He trained his ears on muted words, trying to make sense of them. His neck hairs raised as he made one out.

“Son.”

Son? He whipped around. His eyes darting throughout the empty room. Nobody stood there. No explanation for the female voice. He trembled and hyperventilated. “Son.” She spoke louder and clearer. He recognized it. In his throat, a lump formed. He hadn’t heard that voice in decades.

Outside, a thunderous boom exploded. All the lights died. Jim sat enveloped by darkness. As silence hung over the room, the disembodied voice spoke, “son, can you hear me? I must tell you something.”

He froze as a frigid chill plunged from head to toe. His mind ran through every explanation and came up empty. Somehow, his mother spoke from the other side.

Out in the hallway, a shimmering light caught his eye. As the prismatic light reflected on the walls and ceiling, it appeared to float as it grew in brightness and closeness. The office door sprung open, and a strong breeze flowed. The light danced in circles and seemed to emanate her presence.

He leaned forward with his heart racing. “Momma, is that you? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make him angry.”

To his surprise, a gruff male voice chuckled behind the light. Jim’s jaw dropped.

“What the hell Jim? You some kind of scaredy cat?”

He sunk into his chair. “Ron? What are you doing here?”

Ron stepped into Jim’s office. “My job. The guys are gonna want to hear about this. The IT guy is a big sissy. Oh, this is rich, I can’t wait to tell them.”

Jim bit his tongue. As one of those wanna-be alpha types, Ron spent his time in the gym building muscles. They had grown up together, and Ron teased him relentlessly, little ever changed.

Don’t piss him off, maybe he’ll just leave.

“What are you doing up here this late on a stormy night?” Ron shined his flashlight into Jim’s eyes.

Jim shielded his eyes. “Had to get this project finished. It sure has been creepy here tonight. Glad you came by.” Jim aimed for appeasement and hoped Ron would be nice. Of course, that backfired.

“I bet you are. Do you need me to hold your little girly hand through this storm?” Ron belted out a laugh.

Jim shook his head and slumped in his chair with his cheeks burning.

Ron bowed his chest out. “You nerdy types spend all your time behind those machines. You need to get out and live. You oughta come by the gym. I could whip you into shape. Unless, of course, you like being a sissy.”

Jim bucked up. “I’m no sissy. Just don’t see the point in putting all that work just for a few inches of muscle.”

“Well, from what I saw tonight, you could use some muscle. But if you enjoy being afraid of your shadow, then who am I to care? The boys are going to laugh their asses off for a week.” Ron turned and chuckled as he walked toward the door.

The smugness oozing from Ron’s wide grin forced a small piece of Jim to snap. Years of being picked on reached its breaking point. He jumped to his feet. “Hey Ron…Yeah, you could run your mouth about what you saw here tonight, and sure, everyone will have a good laugh at my expense. But you’re overlooking one thing.”

Ron stopped dead in his tracks. He looked over his shoulder with a glare.

Emboldened, Jim pounced on his chance to expose Ron. “I oversee the network here. I know every keystroke typed by every employee.”

“So. What are you saying?” Ron spun and stepped toward Jim.

“Imagine my surprise tonight when I came across the porn sites you browse. You should be ashamed.” He stood a little taller.

Ron took two steps closer, his face turned bright red. “You’ve been spying on me?”

He threw his hands up with palms facing Ron. “Easy big guy. We can keep this between us. Or I can tell Suzi in HR.”

Ah, sweet, sweet Suzi…what am I thinking, she’s so out of my league.

“You would rat your friend out?” Ron squinted.

Those words caught Jim off guard. “Friend? You’ve been a jerk to me for as long as I can remember.”

Ron took another step closer. “You never once complained. I thought you didn’t mind, besides that’s what friends do, just friendly teasing, if it bothers you that much I’ll stop.”

“You’ll stop? Just like that? So, all these years, you picked on me as a friend?” He deflated and his thoughts raced.

“Yeah. My pops told me not to treat you any differently when your pops went nuts. He said it was the worst thing I could do.” Ron continued walking down the hallway, his flashlight faded out of sight.

Jim processed Ron’s claim of being a friend, and maybe he was. Thoughts swirled and in new context Jim realized one thing, the teasing hadn’t been as bad as he believed. And the lights flickered back to life, and his monitor glowed blue as white letters flashed across the screen. “Are you there, string bean?” Jim stared at the words, string bean, something familiar about that phrase.

Alone, he flopped down in his chair. Someone had to be messing around. He checked his watch; eleven fifty-nine. His shoulders sunk and his head hung low. The time had arrived.

The weight of the world bore down. He had spent the evening trying not to think about his father’s execution. And now the time to throw the switch had arrived. After years, the nightmare neared the end. Happiness should be his, but an emptiness gnawed at his gut and made anger and guilt bubble to the surface after being bottled up for far too long. He became weak, and the room spun.

He stared at the blinking white letters as he clutched his chest and gasped. “Yes. I’m here.”

A bolt of lightning struck the rooftop, causing a supernatural power surge. But Jim cowered in his chair, hands covering his head. Sparks cascaded from the computers like fireworks. Crackling bombarded his ears, and the lights flashed brighter. His hands pressed against his ears. In the middle of the room, a shimmering gold light glowed. The glow assumed human form. His mother stepped forward from the golden glow. His hands dropped, and he stared not believing his eyes.

Golden light radiated from her skin as she glided across the floor. With a silky white robe draped over her, as if she had stepped directly out of heaven. She looked the same as he remembered. “My little string bean. You must live your life.”

String bean? How could I forget my nickname?

With weak knees, Jim pushed himself up on the armrests. His legs quivered, finding their footing. “Momma? How are you here?”

She stepped closer. Her smile stole his breath. She reached her hand out and brushed his cheek. Electricity tingled. His eyes closed. Warmth flowed from her fingertips and through his entire body. The unmistakable feeling of a mother’s love.

“Your father’s prayer, that’s why I am here. We both want the best for you.” She tousled his hair like she did when he was a child.

Jim opened and raised his eyes, longing for her to release him from his self-imposed prison.

“Listen to me, son. You must let go of the past. There is nothing but misery for you there. Live for your future. Make friends. Start a family. Make me proud.” Her glow softened.

Jim raised his head. “But how? I am the reason he killed you. His blood runs through my veins and I can never pass it on.” Tears welled up.

“Nonsense. You are the best of him and me. It was never your fault. Let go and live your life. My time here is up.” Her light faded.

“No momma, don’t leave me again.” Jim reached out.

Her hand grazed his, leaving a warm tingle. “I’m always in your heart.”

His heart had hardened with guilt for his father’s deeds and the anger blocked love from entering his heart. And with one touch his heart unlocked once more.

In a flash of light, she disappeared. Jim stood in the dark. They were both gone. And now he would have to face life alone. He flopped into his chair as the lights returned. Silence fell. His heart raced, absorbing all the events of the night.

He sat at his desk, reflecting. Lost in the blank screen. In all these years, he never stopped to think about what life would look like after his father’s death. Now he could face life on new terms. His fingers typed like they were on autopilot. His work flowed out of him without effort. When he finished, he stared out the window as the storm subsided. The events of the night ran through his mind as the sun rose. With the realization he had held himself back, he let go of his past. Endless possibilities lay in front of him as that heavy weight lifted.

Ron’s revelation of being a friend helped in the first few days. Jim found he could talk to Ron about the past, something desperately needed. Jim never told HR about Ron’s torrid websites, which was a good thing since he stopped viewing them after that night. He even took Ron up on the offer of working out in the gym. Newfound happiness crept into his life.

For the next three months, Jim noticed Suzi more and more, something about her drew him in. The way she always smiled at him tugged at his heart. One afternoon, Suzi requested a file from him. He stopped by her desk to deliver the file. With her on the phone, he stood quiet and patient until she hung up the receiver. She flashed a huge smile when he handed her the file. Their fingers touched. A warm tingle shot up his arm.

With clammy palms, and his heart pounding he finally took a chance. “Umm, Suzi. I was wondering…would you maybe like to catch a movie or something?”

Suzi’s eyes lit up with a sparkle. “I thought you’d never ask, I’d love to go out with you.”

Jim’s past kept him in darkness, but the light of hope delivered him into a new life.